PW Design and Co

Father’s Day is traditionally a time for celebration, a day when we honor the fathers and father figures in our lives. But for us, it’s a complex tapestry of emotions, especially when the father of your children is grieving the loss of his own dad. My father in law will never meet our children, and this is a hard thought to acknowledge. And one I have fought with for years. When my father in law was still quite sick, he had asked me if he thought that his son and I would have kids. As I was only 24 at the time of this question, a part of me wanted to say no, to spare him the pain of knowing he would never meet his grandkids. I wish I could have given him a chance to meet his grandkids, but we simply were not in the place for kids yet. So I told him that I thought one day, we would have kids. As my husband’s partner, I find myself in a delicate position, striving to honor his role as a father while also acknowledging the pain he feels from his own father’s absence.

The Duality of Father’s Day

For many, Father’s Day is a joyful occasion filled with laughter, homemade cards, and special family moments. But when your partner is mourning his dad, it can be a bittersweet experience. He feels the weight of his father’s absence even more acutely as he embraces fatherhood himself. He might be caught between the joy of being celebrated by his children and the sorrow of not being able to share these moments with his own dad.

Understanding His Grief

Grief doesn’t follow a linear path, and Father’s Day can stir up old wounds. My partner struggles with feelings of sadness, anger, and sometimes guilt. He may lament the missed opportunities for his father to meet and bond with his children, to pass down wisdom, or to simply be a presence in their lives. Understanding this grief is crucial. It’s important to acknowledge his feelings and provide a space where he can express his emotions without judgment.

Your Role as a Supportive Partner

As the partner of someone dealing with such a profound loss, your role is both significant and challenging. Here are some ways you can support him:

1. Open Communication: Encourage him to talk about his dad and share stories. Reminiscing can be a healing process, allowing him to feel connected to his father even in his absence. We often look at our wedding album with our son so that he is familiar with his grandfather and the importance of him to his dad.
2. Acknowledge His Pain: Validate his feelings. Let him know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or anything else he might be experiencing. Sometimes, just knowing that someone understands can be incredibly comforting. As hard as it can be when sometimes they feel so distant, it’s important to try to understand. 
3. Create New Traditions: Help him find ways to honor his father’s memory while celebrating his own role as a dad. This could be through lighting a candle, visiting a special place, or engaging in an activity that his father loved. My father in law had a collection of garden gnomes, and this is something we have continued. My mother in law was kind enough to paint a garden gnome with Maxie for Father’s Day. 
4. Include His Father in Your Celebrations: Incorporate his father’s memory into your Father’s Day celebrations. It could be as simple as sharing a story about him with the children or looking at old photographs together.
5. Be Patient: Grief can resurface unexpectedly. Be patient and give him the time he needs to process his emotions. There might be moments when he wants to be alone or times when he needs extra support. I struggle a lot with this, because I truly feel helpless most days, but sometimes you have to remember that you are there with them to navigate this struggle together. 

Helping Your Children Understand

If your children are old enough, explaining why Father’s Day might be a tough time for their dad can foster empathy and understanding. Encourage them to ask questions and share their own feelings about their grandfather they never met. This can create a family bond that honors the past while celebrating the present.

Balancing Joy and Sorrow

Finding a balance between celebrating your partner as a father and honoring his grief is delicate. Remember that it’s okay to feel both joy and sorrow. These emotions are not mutually exclusive. By embracing both, you can create a meaningful Father’s Day that respects the past while cherishing the present.

Seeking Professional Help

If the grief feels overwhelming, seeking the help of a counselor or therapist can be beneficial. Professional guidance can provide your partner with the tools to navigate his emotions and help you both find ways to support each other through difficult times.

Father’s Day, for someone who has lost their own dad, especially one who never met their children, can be a day of mixed emotions. As his partner, your support, understanding, and love can make a significant difference. By honoring his feelings, creating new traditions, and fostering open communication, you can help transform a potentially painful day into one that also celebrates his role as a father and the enduring legacy of the father he lost.